“Unfortunately Our 1st World Vaccine Programme Is No Match For Our 4th World Health Service”

LAMENTING the fact Ireland possessing the world’s only 4th World health service is jeopardising an end to restrictions on the 22nd of October, the Taoiseach urged the 90% of the population that is vaccinated to blame those not vaccinated for decades of ineptitude and shameless neglect of the health service by politicians.

“There is a slight, outside chance yes,” said health officials in response to the possibility rising case numbers might prolong restrictions, which is all the media needed to hear before sending out push notifications on news apps which read ‘Armageddon! Covid case rises have murdered your puppy, stolen your credit card and clogged your toilet!”

“These days the best a €22bn annual budget can get you is things like 20 years of trolley crises, running a maternity hospital with the nuns, children with scoliosis left to suffer, waiting lists longer than a giraffe on stilts and a mental health service consisting of ‘have you tried exercising?'” explained the Taoiseach.

Despite having a vaccination programme the envy of the world, having a health system that looks like the worst episodes of ER and Greys Anatomy had a baby could well push ICU capacity to breaking point at any minute.

Happily whipped into a frenzy at the thought of Lockdown 35, the most unwelcome sequel since Home Sweet Home Alone, the public is beginning to warm to the idea of just rounding up those unvaccinated and having them shot.

“Yes, this is reaction we were hoping for,” confirmed the media, who can get another 100 stories out of this by the end of the day.

“Yes, this is reaction we were hoping for,” added the government, happy to take none of the blame.