Talent Agent Urges Struggling B-List Celeb To Maybe ‘Develop Some Mental Health Issues’


REALISING their 15-minutes may have sailed a long time ago, struggling b-list celebrity James Carey has decided to listen to his agent’s advice and develop some kind of addiction of mental health issue in a bid to remain relevant.

The online personality, who shot to fame several years ago after appearing in a viral video no one can really remember or find anymore, agreed to focus on how slow business is lately and to maybe drink a bit more in the hopes of becoming depressed so he can then open up about it to the media.

“Might be worth signing yourself into rehab; mental health and addiction issues are so in right now,” agent Lucy Kent urged, who agreed that her 15% cut is a lot, but 15% of nothing isn’t, “you’re not getting any younger and you haven’t made a viral video thing in ages – you don’t even have a TikTok account, James, no one knows who you even are any more or what category of celebrity you fall under”.

“Just whatever you do don’t develop bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, the public won’t like that. Just say you were sad once, okay?”

Necking an entire 330cl bottle of 4% Smirnoff Ice in one go, the son-of-two attempted to channel his inner ‘sad man’ in a bid to spark depressing thoughts he could later talk about with to a publisher-funded ghost-writer.

“The Late Late Show would absolutely lap this shit up, James, just drink another few crates of these out-of-date piss-water and we’ll drive you straight to a cheap addiction centre down the country somewhere and we get the ball rolling,” his agent advised, now calculating what 15% of a book advance would work out at after artist exemption tax.