Cork Never Going To Shut Up About This

WHILE THERE has been an outpouring of positivity and joy aimed in the direction of Cillian Murphy following his triumph at the Oscars, experts have been quick to warn of the unintended and dire consequences wrought by the awarding of the Best Actor trophy to a Cork man.

“It’s set off an Oppenheimer-sized atomic wave of smugness in Cork. Oscar voters might not have realised the horrors they have unleashed but lads in Cork will NEVER shut up about this,” warned one proud Irish man from Waterford, who is all to aware of what this will do to Corkonians.

Undoubtedly a great night for anyone involved in the Irish film industry and further proof the country produces world class talent out of proportion with island’s relatively small size, however, Cork natives will never let this achievement go unmentioned no matter the time that elapses in the centuries and millennia ahead.

“They’ll be making their own acceptance speeches in their kitchens, in offices, on public transport, like they rared Cillian Murphy and taught him how to act themselves,” said one Irish person fearful of the coming conversations, dry remarks and arrogant proclamations.

“It’s not too late for the Academy to reconsider, if there was an Oscar for taking credit for someone else it’d go to Cork, give them that sure but not this, anything but this” shared the Minister for Culture in a statement marking Murphy’s win.

“Technically he’s lived in England and Dublin longer than he has in Cork, so they’ve as much claim to him,” offered one desperate Dublin man, in the full knowledge that he has lost this battle.