US Tells Israel It Won’t Join Strikes On Iran, Just Profit From It

“GOD NO, Benny, we’re just here to incite tensions and make trillions of dollars from the proceeds,” US Foreign Secretary Antony J. Blinken told Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu last night in a brief phone call following a series of Iranian airstrikes on the world’s most unfortunate nation.

“Strategically we need you guys right there in the thick of it, hence why we’ve given you guys a quarter trillion since ’47, a nice glitzy iron dome and allowed you to genocide the beejesus out of Palestinians for the past 70 odd years, but as far as us going to war against those mad fuckers in Iran – not a hope,” he added, before asking how many more fighter jets Israel wanted this month.

Iran fired over 300 drones and missiles at Israel on Sunday, stating it was in response to an 1 April strike on its consulate in Syria, however just 1% of their bombs made it through which according to experts mad Iran look ‘a bit out-dated when it comes to this war craic’.

“If it comes to it we’ll throw in a few F-35’s free of charge this month and a few thousand of those 50 cal sniper rifles your guys love shooting Palestinian kids with,” Blinken told the Israeli PM, before quickly winding up the call, “sorry, I’ve the Z man calling me on the other line from Kyiv here looking to make an order, Ben, give us a shout next week… yeah, it’s all go these days, no rest for the wicked as they say but sure we’re making a killing. Chat soon”.