Simon Coveney’s Guide To Ghosting Someone

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GOT into a texting back and forth relationship of any description; professional, personal, someone aggressively lobbying for a position that appears to have been specially created for them? But maybe you’re not used to ruthlessly cutting off contact to signify ‘ok, bye’?

Perhaps you could be in need of the highly in demand ghosting skills of Minister for Foreign Affairs and Defence Simon Coveney, whose gifting ghosting powers and wisdom Waterford Whispers News is happy to share below:

1) Don’t text back. Hold firm. Stay the course.

2) Don’t start to feel sorry for the person, no matter how many texts they send. Don’t follow up on their follow up texts with guilty feelings. They’ll get the hint eventually. They have to get the hint, right? Right? They can’t keep texting?

3) If you delete the texts from your phone, did they even ever exist? Can’t ghost a ‘ghost’, can you?

4) No matter how many desperate texts follow remember the motto – ‘although ignoring is boring, replying is dying’. Yes, the motto needs work but you get the point. Silence, the ghost is almost clear.

5) You’re Casper the ghost, you’ve got this. If you were ghosting any harder, Bill Murray would be trying to capture you with a proton pack!

6) Ok, they’re back with a text which suggests the both of you were talking about something specific in great detail like ‘can’t wait for lunch next week’ or “thank you so, so much for offering me this incredible opportunity”. Remain resolute and don’t respond lest they get the impression you had agreed to go for lunch/ had in fact formally offered them a position on a specific date which would contradict earlier claims, statements and excuses you had given in a public setting.

7) Mute your WhatsApp conversation with your ghostee. Maybe don’t go on Facebook or Insta on the off chance they’re stalking you to see if you’re online and then BOOM they hit you with a gotcha DM.

8) If anyone bring up the ghostee, feign like you barely know them, can’t remember the last time you spoke to them. “Aren’t they in New York working on Biden stuff, last I heard?” something like that.

9) Oh, shit Freedom of Information request. Time to panic.

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