“Just Give Us The Saudi Arabia Treatment” Taliban Asks World

THE TALIBAN has vowed to secure Afghanistan and promise they will uphold human rights according to Sharia law and have asked the Western nations of the world to just treat them like they would any other tyrant regime, like Saudi Arabia for instance, WWN has learned.

“Public executions, poor record on women’s rights, roles in terror attacks on US soil; when you think about it we’re no worse than your good friends in Saudi,” Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar stated, “we even have millions of dollars’ worth of US military hardware, we’re basically the exact same pack of cunts you’re used to dealing with – fuck it, put us on the UN Human Rights Council while you’re at it”.

The leader’s comments come after the Taliban triumphantly marched into Kabul’s international airport on Tuesday, hours after the final U.S. troop withdrawal that ended America’s longest and most pointless war, but hopefully not their last.

“We’ll probably focus on Iran or Venezuela for a bit, waste a couple of more trillion on destabilising them before pulling out and creating a dangerous insurgent vacuum for the rest of the world to clean up,” a spokesperson for US foreign affairs explained, before contemplating the Taliban’s bid to treat them like Saudis, “it’s a great point, and yes, we’ll probably cosy up to them for a bit and help them fight this new ISIS K thing we concocted… for a small fee of course – it’s all gravy baby”.

Meanwhile, the Taliban has made an open request for user manuals for US tanks, Black Hawks, Apaches and those big armoured trucks with the surface to air missiles, if anyone has them please post them to Kabul, thanks.