Zappone Party Report Fails To Clarify If Tánaiste Had Tie Around Head When ‘Walk Of Life’ Came On

AS eager as the government may be to leave ‘Zapponegate’ behind them, the recollection of the Merrion Hotel event by Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney has still left WWN with a few questions that must be clarified:

1) If Minister Coveney needed to create space on his phone by deleting the text message he got from Ms. Zappone ‘in lieu of a formal invitation’, then why does he still have promo code texts from Dominos Pizza dating back to 2017 in his inbox?

2) Mr. Coveney claims that ‘Walk Of Life’ by Dire Straits came on during the gathering. Early photos of the Tánaiste Leo Varadkar show him wearing a tie while going to the event, but pictures from later in the night show him tie-less. Did he tie his tie around his head and air guitar to the entire song, as is custom? If not, why not?

3) Taoiseach Micheál Martin claims to have not been at the party. But an invoice reveals that 18lbs of Tripe & Drishee, a Cork delicacy, and the Taoiseach’s favourite was ordered especially for the swanky do. If the Taoiseach did not attend, who ate the tripe? Let’s get #WhoAteTheTripe trending until we have answers.

4) Is it possible that the supposed ’50 people’ that attended the party is merely an approximate figure? Studies show that it is impossible to have a party in Ireland that stays to the invite list. Who sneaked in? Why were several TDs seen climbing through the back window of the Merrion Hotel that day? If they weren’t going to the Zappone party, why were they bringing in six-packs of Smirnoff Ice with them?

5) Jack Chambers’ parents claim he came home from the party in ‘an awful state’. Was nobody minding poor Jack at the party? Do we have to add ‘served drink to a minor’ to the list of charges, or are we to believe the young TD when he claims his sickness arose from ‘a bad vol au vent’ at the party? How come the other people who ate the same vol au vents were grand? We need answers.

So far the government has failed to provide clarity on these matters, and have issued a statement that they ‘can’t believe’ the nation hasn’t moved on from all of this pointless crap yet.