Exclusive Extract From Prince Harry’s Explosive Tell-All Memoir

IT’S the most hotly anticipated publishing event since Kerry Katona’s ‘How To Sing Like Me Volume 1’ book hit the shelves and WWN has got the much sought after first exclusive extract from Prince Harry’s memoir.

In the opening pages, the former Royal explains his motivation for writing a tell-all memoir which you can read below:

“What drove one to write this book? When one saw the advance was bigger than the crown jewels the words just flowed one supposes. The writing process is a mystery.

But when one, wait I’m not one anymore, am one? No, sorry, force of habit.

When you sit down to write a memoir like this you have cause to deeply reflect deeply on things you’ve been through and done such as… thank God I didn’t wear that Nazi costume today, I’d be cancelled within a heartbeat, funny how things work. I had considered a chapter called ‘When I Was A Bit Racist’ but thought I can’t be arsed with writing an extra 80 pages.

I will address my relationship with William, or ‘Wallyiam’ as I call him, haha. The servants always said I had a smashing sense of humour and not just ‘cus they had to. William is so frightfully jealous of my hair, he once asked Granny to scalp me and give it to him as he was the King in waiting. I will detail his further jealousies and resentments in this book in chapters 1,3,4,5,6,7,8,10,11,12,13,14,15,17,18 and 20.

Sometimes I borrow Meghan’s phone and text Piers Morgan pretending to be her, the teary begging voicemails are the best and the unsolicited dick pics the worst. Check out chapter two for that. My publisher said there was no need to pixelate the images as there isn’t a microscope powerful enough to zoom in on his todger.

This book will largely be about my achievements in life, so don’t worry if you’re not a big reader it’ll be a short one; born into privilege. Broke free from privilege with helpful loan from dad. That sort of thing.

A surprising number of people have asked me over the years if the Queen poos, I hope to answer that in detail in chapter entitled ‘Her Majesty’s Butt Nuggets’ but long story short for the impatient, when the Queen eats her stomach is bypassed using a tube which leads into the stomach of the help, who digest and dispose of the food for the Queen.

For discussion of my many rejections of invitations to Pizza Expresses extended to me by my uncle Andrew see chapter 21 entitled ‘The Nonceback Of Buckingham’.

If you’re the type who believes me to be under some sort of spell from a Lady MacBeth type, I’m sure you’ll find some secret code or signal for help within the pages of the book, I hope you enjoy/lose your shit, Hazza.”