How To Get Your €3.50 Worth At Fancy New Public Toilets

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F. SCOTT Fitzgerald’s classic novel The Great Gatsby tells the story of an enigmatic millionaire and the social circles he keeps, and at a lean 180 pages it is the ideal novel to bring with you for a read while you take a dump in Galway’s glitzy new upmarket toilet facilities, ensuring you get your money’s worth when spending a penny (€3.50 when adjusted for inflation).

Here’s a few more ways you can guarantee you’re not just flushing your money down the toilet:

1) Produce the finest graffiti known to man

The swanky new jacks isn’t the place to hastily carve ‘I love dick’ into the stalls with a biro, you need to create something that will resonate with the upmarket clientele these facilities will attract. Take your time; bring a palette of watercolours, let your brush run free. When people read that you love dick, they need to feel that love.

2) Rob the toilet paper, but watch out for security

It’s a given that in any pay-as-you-go toilets you’re going to rob as much toilet paper and little soaps as you can, and these new loos are no different. But be warned; the toilet operators have instrumented a ‘shoot to kill’ policy for anyone spotted running off with pockets stuffed with quilted jacks roll, as well as a laser-grid tunnel that will reduce thieves to cubes if they try to escape.

3) Book a therapy session 

The toilet is where we do most of our thinking, and at €3.50 a visit, these new porcelain thrones are the perfect place to really drill down into the core of our being, to find the centre of ourselves, to fix things long broken. But you can’t do this by yourself, so why not book a therapy session with a doctor of your choice via Zoom, and talk it all out in the comfort of the greatest, most poor-person free toilets in Ireland. This is the kind of service you don’t get behind a hedge or down a laneway!

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