Fianna Fáil To Change Name, Rip Up Policies, Replace All Members In Bid To Gain Support

ENLISTING the help of rebranding supremos at Pivot Marketing, the ailing Fianna Fáil party, plagued by infighting, media leaks and a rumoured leadership heave, is to rebrand itself in a bid for renewed support.

“The brand isn’t toxic, Chernobyl was toxic. This is much worse folks, Chernobyl didn’t have Barry Cowen, Stephen Donnelly and Marc MacSharry” explained Greg Giles, rebrand expert, as he guided the party’s National Executive through a brainstorming session.

Parking his confusion over who could even muster the enthusiasm to fight over being the person who gets to launch a lead balloon over a cliff into shit infested waters, Giles suggested a few simple brand adjustments could help.

“This is honestly the worst rebrand I’ve ever undertaken, the survey we did with the public; they said they wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire and holding the winning Euromillions ticket,” Giles offered, trying to accentuate the positive for a party polling worse with the public than a musical trio comprised of Harold Shipman, Pol Pot and cancer.

“Seriously when we asked ‘but what if your urine was made up of lighter fluid?’ they still said no because in that case you’d die quicker,” added Giles, enthused about the exciting possibilities ahead for Fianna Fáil.

“Besides changing your name, ripping up whatever policies you clearly don’t have and getting rid of your entire collection of elected representatives, have you considered just… fucking off?” offered Giles, knowing the technology to erase the memory of a whole nation before also lobotomising them wasn’t a feasible option.

Elsewhere, the public have said Fianna Fáil tearing itself apart is like watching rats on a sunken ship rooted to the bottom of the ocean intensely argue over who gets to man the sail, and that it is ‘joyous to watch’.