UNABLE to satisfy their voracious appetite with the purchase of 135 recently built homes in a 170 unit housing estate in Kildare, foreign investment funds have moved to purchase all of Ireland in an ambitious move watched on in silence by the government.
“Fuck it, let’s buy this whole shithole and rent it back out to them for unaffordable prices. It’s Mad Max meets the Land War but at least the poor fuckers have plenty of branches of Starbucks now,” confirmed a spokesperson for investment funds that pay fuck all tax and it’s all perfectly legal.
Round Hill Capital’s purchase of Mullen Park housing estate was just the tip of the iceberg as investment fund after investment called first dibs on every conceivable living space Ireland was planning to offer.
“It was actually quite unsettling; this pension fund bought 300 build-to-rent apartments from me I hadn’t even thought of building yet, the units are still just a twinkle in my ball sack,” confirmed one property developer, who just like you, can’t believe he’s getting away with all this either.
In a disturbing incident, an investment fund on a clumsy money-fueled purchasing orgy also bought one local man with the intention of turning him into a high yield apartment they won’t have to pay tax on due to a complex networks of shell companies.
“Help me, they’re trying to ram a load of students in me and they’re telling them with a straight face that €1200 for a bed is the going monthly rate,” screamed the poor unfortunate man.
“Someone in power should do something about this,” said members of Fine Gael, Fianna Fáil and the Green Party in glorious harmony, shocked to their very core by the latest developments.
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