TONNES of uneaten food wastage has piled up in the UK as a result of Jennifer Arcuri, former lover of PM Boris Johnson, going into appetite obliterating detail about her 4-year affair with the Tory leader.
“Nationwide starvation is very much a possibility,” confirmed concerned GP Dr Martin Partland, for once not talking about how Tory policies have left children starving. “No, this skipping of breakfast, lunch and dinner is all because they can’t get the mental image of the PM’s testicles clattering away as he delivers lacklutre thrusts at someone’s backstop.”
“Everyone’s weekly shops, takeaways, snacks-on-the-go, all left untouched and rotting away it’s a shame to see but as regretful images go nothing will beat the mental images Ms Arcuri gave us all,” added Dr Partland, in between wretches.
It is believed his relationship with Arcuri marks the first time Johnson has carried out an affair that didn’t result in a child he denies the existence of.
Absolutely disgusted members of the public have taken to unceremoniously dumping their untouched meals on growing mounds of discarded food now a growing feature in villages around Britain.
“The image of Johnson potentially handing his lover lucrative contracts while his was mayor of London I can handle, but that barely sentient cabbage getting his leg over? Excuse me…” shared the public reaching for the nearest bin to vomit into.
Britons took a brief break from feeling violently ill to laugh when 10 Downing Street broke its silence to state Johnson ‘acts with integrity and is honest’ as was the case during the affair.
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