“I’m Going To Die Soon So I’m Bringing Everyone With Me,” US President Reassures World Amid Rising Tensions

FOLLOWING an unhinged Easter Sunday morning rant threatening to bomb Iran into oblivion if he doesn’t get his way, US President Donald Trump has reassured the world that everything is going to be okay.

“I’m going to die soon so I’m bringing everyone with me,” the 79-year-old stated. “We’ll all go together. I’ve got this.”

Not ruling out nuclear action, the FIFA Peace Prize winner warned he would “blow everything” up in Iran, including power plants, unless Tehran reopens the Strait of Hormuz by Tuesday night.

“It would be unfair of me to leave you all behind when I eventually ascend into heaven,” Trump continued, attempting to quell fears. “I’ll lead us all to the pearly gates together and make sure we get a great deal up there with the big guy. It’ll be the biggest, most beautiful ending anyone’s ever seen. Trust me.”

Meanwhile, the UN, UK, EU and several other useless collections of letters confirmed they will do absolutely everything in their power to do nothing.