Just Open Everything For Christmas And We’ll Be Good Until March, Promises Nation


THE population of Ireland have sworn on their mother’s lives that they’ll be extra special good for as long as the government want, if they just open up the country and let everyone play for Christmas, please, please, pretty please.

In an impassioned letter-to-Santa signed by the entire nation, the country promised to wear masks, socially distance, stay in groups of 4 or less, clean their rooms, walk the dogs, and not talk back to their parents if only they were granted this one wish.

“Can we not just go to the pubs with our pals? We’ll do the whole ‘substantial meal’ thing right, we promise,” read the tear-jerking letter.

“You said if we had Level 5 for six weeks we could open up again and, and, we’re nearly at the end of it now, and, we only ask because up North they’re thinking about not re-opening everything after their circuit breaker lockdown, and, we were just hoping that you wouldn’t do anything like that down here, because up there they’re more bold than we are, and, and, they’d all be at riots and things and getting each other infected and we wouldn’t do that! Swear to God – we cross our hearts and hope to die. Promise!”

Although the government are remaining tight-lipped over whether or not they would be allowing Christmas this year, a written promise to vote Fianna Fáil for the next five years ‘wouldn’t go unnoticed’, and maybe if every house left out a plate of biscuits and a glass of whiskey, perhaps that would help.