IN A press conference aimed specifically at Dublin residents who tune out anything they believe to be ‘bogger business’, NPHET are to reveal a raft of lockdown recommendations for Dublin in response to rising Covid case numbers in the capital.
To ensure that Dubs know that this list of restrictions is for them and that they’re to be adhered to strictly, no messing, a team of linguists have been brought in to translate the details of the new plan into the two major Dublin dialects, namely north and south side.
In North Side:
“Ah here, would you c’mere, did ye hear the latest? Terrible so it is. Bleedin’ state of the case numbers, wha? Sure I was only saying it d’other day there to the girdles and boyiss. Anyways, stick to the gaff for now, it’s only for a Jaysus fortnight. Get plenty of Brennans and jacks roll ‘n dat, and a few crouching tiger, hidden naggins about the kip and it’ll be grand. Savage craic. Up the Dubs!”
In South Side:
“Goys, total mare. The poors have fucked up the country, again, so that means you’re have to stick to only small groups when you’re out having a few substantials, yeah? Relaxage of the kacksages is essential here goys. Stock up on the Heino-what-you-did-last-Summer and you’ll be sorted.”
No guidelines have been put in place for any low-paid migrant workers living in cramped conditions in the city centre, as the government is confident they ‘get the gist of it’ and the nation doesn’t really count those Covid cases as all that big a deal.