“TikTok’s Dodgy Data Gathering & Links To Chinese Government Fine By Us” Confirms Ireland After Jobs Promise


AVERTING its eyes from any concerning news reports about social media app TikTok, Ireland has already begun unfurling the red carpet to welcome the data harvesting company’s announcement of ‘some jobs’ for the country.

“Yiz could be making your app out of the pulped remains of Uighurs for all we care, chuck us a few jobs and we’ll contort our opinions and morals anyway you want, just ask Apple. Spank me daddy,” confirmed Ireland to TikTok’s parent company Bytedance, which at last glance could be used as a data gathering tool for the Chinese government which would cause GDPR to spontaneously combust.

Chinese president Xi Jinping has previously stated that the Chinese Communist Party would never misuse the data the app collects and only use it to look at teenagers doing cringe inducing dances.

“Here fuck it, have my PPS number. My passport too, not even a copy of it, take my actual passport, here’s a spare organ I’m not even using it, punch me in the face, please. Anything for 20 IT jobs for some lads you fly in from around Europe and beyond,” a desperate Irish public added, aware that all or any job announcements are welcome and needed.

TikTok’s decision to build a $500 million data centre in Ireland was accompanied with the usual platitudes from a multinational about how the Irish workforce have the largest brains on the planet and smallest tax bills.

“Nice one TockedTicker, you know how the game works,” playfully winked the Irish government, before gifting TikTok executives with a shredder to help them to dispose of all their tax obligations.