The Pros & Cons Of Keeping Pubs Closed


THE TAOISEACH made the reluctant decision to delay the reopening of pubs for at least another 3 weeks, prompting auld lads at the end of bars to spontaneously combust from blind rage.

But with Covid-19 cases on the rise here and elsewhere, many believe there are only easy, simple and obvious measures to put in place that keep everyone happy and safe. WWN examines the pros and cons of choosing not to reopen the pubs and how it relates to the ongoing pandemic:

Con: fuck sake!

Pro: safety first! With non-food serving pubs remaining closed the Irish public has absolutely no alternatives when it comes to procuring and drinking alcohol, thus keeping inhibitions low and helping limit spread of the disease (Covid-19, not alcoholism).

Pro: gives your dad something to moan about for the next few weeks.

Con: gives your dad something to moan about for the next few weeks.

Con: you now realise that kebabs, spice bags and battered sausages are actually disgusting.

Con: not finding any free cocaine left on toilet cistern.

Pro: famously mild mannered Irish public will take this announcement in their stride.

Con: oh no! Here they come! The emotions you had buried!

Pro: helps keep the urban/rural divide a socially distant two metres apart.

Con: businesses and livelihoods will be destroyed.

Pro: but sure the pubs can be turned into hotels, we probably have the technology to turn those losing their jobs into hotels too.

Pro: you no longer have to suffer the indignity of the neighbour’s cat judging you as you try for the fourth time to put the key in the front door after a night in the pub.

Con: the longer normal pubs stay closed the more likely it is the Irish people will evolve to grow intolerable of drinking a pint without first consuming a substantial meal.

Pro: aside from constant communication failures, cock ups and scandal, the newish government are knocking this out of the park.

Con: with pubs remaining shuttered we might continue this trend of spending more time outdoors, taking up new sports and activities. As a people we’ll live more healthy and active lifestyles like the Germans or worse those slim, tall and handsome Swedes.

Pro: ever reliable, the media will make sure to fill its TV, print, radio and online coverage of the news with only the most reasonable and measured responses from people with relevant experience and expertise.

Pro: you get to spend more time with the kids.

Con: you get to spend more time with the kids.