Tampons: Our Expert Answers Your Questions

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Following the morally just and long-overdue banning of a tampon commercial from our airwaves thanks to the tireless work of 84 honest and decent God-fearing citizens, WWN turns to our resident conscience expert Bishop Cornelius Byle for advice on the subject. 

Good morning worshippers, and thank you to all who helped get this sick filth off our screens where it was corrupting young minds away from the light of the Lord and into… well, God only knows what!

Like most of the devil’s handiwork, this dirge acted under the guise of being ‘educational’ and ‘designed to help you be as comfortable as possible during menstruation’.

Let me ask you this – how educational is it for our children to hear the word ‘insert’? Or ‘up there’? Or ‘women’? That a woman’s unmentionable phase could be made less of a reminder of the sin of Eve. Is this what we want our next generation to think?

Let me tell you all now what you’re dealing with when you purchase these ‘Tampax’ products. It’s right there in the name. ‘Tamp’, as in to tamper. To tamper with God’s design.

If God had wanted an absorbent cloth up a woman’s woman, he would have put it there. And the ‘x’ at the end? What is that, if not an altered crucifix? These things are an affront to Catholicism and not only that, they make me feel weird when I walk past them in a supermarket.

If Tampax really wanted to create a lighthearted and jovial commercial aimed at educating women about tampons, they would have taken out a full-page ad stating how the best way to ‘stay fresh’ every month is to cleanse the mind of impure thoughts, as it is only the impure of heart and soul that have to suffer these so-called ‘periods’.

I have women parishioners who confidently come to mass every day on roller blades or on horseback without any fear of menstruation, as their strong Catholic faith just keeps all that horribleness inside them until marriage or death. They don’t need plastic applicators for their tampons, not when they have a good crucifix.

So remember:

Woah, body of Christ,
Body of Christ, Amen.

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