IT CAN be hard to know how to correctly follow very clear guidelines on things such as attending funerals during the continuing presence and risk of Covid-19 on the island of Ireland.
Thankfully, Sinn Féin is here to help you artfully navigate through the dos and don’ts of funeral attendance and the proper etiquette which is respectful and beyond reproach or nasty political point scoring:
Only eat the green cress, white bread and smoked salmon sandwiches.
Don’t: whatever you do, don’t wear black gloves or any face coverings even though this is the one day you won’t catch shit for doing it. Do: pose for photos with people without maintaining social distancing.
Think before making a decision: despite knowing how irresponsible attending a funeral would be, is your attendance at the funeral paramount to appeasing certain hardline elements within your political party? Attend, attend, attend.
Note: the media may unfairly politicise your massive fuck up.
Double down on explaining why it was incumbent on you to attend a friend’s funeral when others are following guidance which restricts them from saying farewell to loved ones. Maybe unintentionally make them feel like idiots for doing so.
Don’t apologise over actions you took, make sure to dig your heals in and get all those around you to defend you and accuse anyone criticising you of politicising a non political issue. Encourage supporters to make false equivalences with the recent funeral of a murdered policeman to get people on side. Throw in something about Leo Varadkar getting his baps out in Phoenix Park. Only after doing all this should you issue a groveling apology that contradicts everything you stated previously.
Would attending such a funeral risk obliterating any moral high ground which could have come in handy, say, when Unionists are out in force during next week’s sure-to-be packed 12th celebrations? Sounds like a good idea, press on.