A NEW research group headed by a team of young Waterford men have published findings centred around the fact that ‘necking’ two ecstasy tablets, could help keep the doctors away and combat the Covid-19 virus.
“Dey’d sweat de bastard outa ya, shur,” explained lead researcher of the study Dr. Marko Collins, crudding up a hock of phlegm, before projecting it to the ground with a thud, “fuckin’ yokes make ya burn up so dey do an’ de virus gets kilt an’ dat and den comes out in de sweat, yeah?
“Shur Macky Phelan cawt de ting lass month an’ den trew a massive seshion for de hole street tinkin’ he woz gonna die, an’ dat. De lads said he necked two fukin’ blew ghosts for the craic and den skulled a bottle of Tesco tekeela and he was grand de nex day… bit hungover an dat but grand all de same”.
The study group, who forgot to detail the strength of tablets in its findings and failed provide credible documents to prove they were indeed scientists, also suggested snorting cocaine for nose blockages, heroin for insomnia and highly recommended drinking banana flavoured Yazoos for brunch every day ‘to keep you fit an’ dat’.
“Sware ta God, lads, drop two bangers with a can or ten and watch dat covid bollox piss off back to China,” a final published report from the study read, before asking for ‘a lend of a tonne ’til Monday’.