“Stay Safe, Stay Alive, Get Back To Work & Help Pay For All Of This”


A LEAKED document between the key members of the government and the National Public Health Emergency Team has outlined plans to get as many people back to work as quickly and as safely as possible, in an effort to avoid what is being described as ‘the mother and father of all economic hidings’, WWN has learned.

The memos, discovered after journalists typed ‘Ireland’ and ‘are we fucked’ into a Google search, show a shift in thinking from ‘stay at home and protect the most vulnerable’ to ‘everyone okay if we save a few quid on this?’, coinciding with a grave warning from the ESRI that Ireland is headed towards its deepest recession in at least 5 years.

Fears of a spike in deaths similar to those found in low paid hospitality and shop staff in the UK over the last few weeks were brushed aside following a few decent weeks of low daily Covid figures, with everyone giving the go-ahead to knuckle down and make up for four months of zero commerce.

The race is on now to ‘Leo-ify’ the ‘get cracking’ message to the public, in much the same way as his previous announcements made use of popular references to make the grim situation more palatable for those who will have to face it.

“Could we perhaps include a reference to ‘Normal People’ when we’re discussing how a return to austerity and even more draconian cuts to public spending are an inevitable part of the next ten years?” suggested Minister For Finance Paschal Donohoe, adding “you’re better at that kind of thing then me, I’m more of a numbers guy”.

Minister for Health Simon Harris chipped in with “if there’s a way to not make me look like a total dickhead when I’ve been praising the health service all year and then cutting the nuts off their budget for the next ten years, that’d be pretty sweet’.

“I’m seeing something like a play on ‘Live, Laugh, Love’, but more along the lines of ‘live, work, generate revenue’… look, I’ll have my guys works something up” said Taoiseach for this week Leo Varadkar.