WITH new research carried out by the Oireachtas research unit suggesting that the introduction of a universal, public childcare scheme would be beneficial for working parents looking for universal, public childcare, WWN is on hand to answer all of your current questions relating to what to do with your children while waiting for the government to pull its chubby finger from its hole.
Q. “I know the government had an initial childcare plan which sadly proved unworkable, but what’s their latest plan?”
A. Oh, hang on, you thought they were going to have a second go at solving this? Sure God love you, you probably think this 2040 concept is going ahead too. Bless your little heart. Here, have this old ‘5 point plan’ leaflet we found in a Dáil skip – they make great nappies.
Q. “I’ve been ordered back to work by my boss who isn’t putting any Covid safety practices in place and I’ve no one to look after the kids, can our pet budgie babysit them?”
A. This all depends if your budgie is trained to say important phrases like ‘stop playing with the sharp knives’, ‘so go on your iPads for the day’, ‘mammy and daddy will be home in 10 hours, you’ll get your dinner then so stop fucking whinging you little bastards or I’ll screech until your eardrums bleed’.
Q. “I’ve our 13-year-old son looking after the 8 and 6 year olds, but now he’s looking for pay? Does the little shit have any labour rights?”
A. The simple solution here would be to charge your 13-year-old with all the babysitting you did for him when he was younger and to just take whatever figure he comes out with ‘from the balance he owes’.
Q. “I’m a nurse working with Covid patients and I haven’t seen my four young children for 8 weeks as they’ve been staying with my parents and I’m just worried I’m losing out on the best years of their life.
A. First of all this isn’t even a question, but just a pathetic pull on heartstrings. Second, why aren’t you in work saving the world, hero? Everyone here in the WWN offices clapped for like 60 seconds for you people and now here you are complaining. Your parents obviously raised you well to be a nurse, so let them raise your kids so they can be nurses and distant memories to their own children too when they grow up to tackle Covid-40.
Q. “I’m a 57-year-old male with a string of convictions which don’t allow me to come within 5km of young children, can I still offer childcare services?”
A. Judging by the way Tusla operates and the lack of communications between government departments these days; of course you can.