PUB INDUSTRY leaders have pushed for further concessions in how they operate upon reopening and have proposed making up for lost revenue by easing the public back into pub life and allowing for week-long sessions and lock-ins.
“We’ll already be feeding them their €9 breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lay a bit of straw on the floor to cover the vomit and sure doesn’t it act as bedding too, they can live in the pub for the week,” confirmed local pub owner Matty Stout.
While stressing that they wholeheartedly endorse the feeling that the health and safety of Irish people is paramount and comes before any other concerns, the pub industry heaped further pressure on authorities by suggesting pubs be allowed observe ‘rush hour on a packed Luas’ levels of capacity.
“We firmly stand behind keeping everyone safe and health which is why today we demand the government reduce this unworkable two metres distance rule to a much more manageable 0.000001 of a millimetre,” explained the breakaway publican group, the IPA.
“We have to get back to some normality, if lads aren’t ripping Guinness farts, pissing all over the floor and hassling women in pubs is Ireland even Irish anymore? queried the IPA.
Under IPA proposals pub patrons would be glued together to maximise room and capacity and then stacked on top of each other to mimic busy Christmas eve pub conditions. Patrons would have access to the bar for 24 hours for a week straight, all sound tracked by four auld lads and a young one on the fiddle playing trad round the clock and pint purchasing would be aided by a government funded Pandemic Pint Payment Scheme.
“We can’t open properly with the restrictions as they are. My pub has been closed for 4 months,” shared one pub owner from the front door of his shuttered pub before he was drowned out by the sound of a pint glass smashing and a large crowd jeering.