A STIRRING address befitting of his idol Winston Churchill, the UK public are feting PM Boris Johnson after he relayed a very straight forward and reassuring strategy in a bid to make Covid-19 lockdown easing measures possible in a television address in Latin written backwards in disappearing ink.
For those who missed out on the clear proposed pathway to get the virus further out of control, WWN has reproduced sections of Johnson’s speech below:
“It doesn’t get clearer or more simple; my government is asking the British public to continue to stop not doing the previously allowed banning of locked down restricted bans. Also for no good reason, smother yourself in jam”.
“To make it easier for you to follow the new instructions, I have hidden them in 73 horcruxes around the UK”.
“People can visit the bottom third of their 4th favourite parent’s head every second Sunday which falls on the 4th sunrise of Jupiter’s 6th moon, but only for 30 seconds”.
“All those who can go to work using public transport should do so without using public transport or going to work. You can go back to work Monday, but I will publish the guidelines on how do this safely two days later on Wednesday. I’m fucking knocking this Covid-19 response out of the park”.
“The United Kingdom is united how it is tackling this crisis, which is why Northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland are taking different, more conservatives measures than me and saying I have a steak pie where my brain should be”.
“In order to ensure my instructions are as clear as possible, I will instruct my ministers to appear on TV and radio to contradict everything I’ve said causing your brain to hurt”.
“As will come as a huge relief to my party’s members, the working class aren’t permitted to visit both their parents at the same time but they are permitted to come to our homes and clean them for us. Huzzah!”
“Remember, there is nothing to fear. After all, the people who are relaying this information to you are the same minds that brought you Brexit. We now ask you not to do something understandable like ‘stay home, save lives’, instead simply ‘stay alert’. Confused? Good, another triumph for this glorious Empire. Pay attention now and take notes as I haven’t written any of this down anywhere, I’ve just fucking spitballin'”.
“If you have a title like the 14th Earl, Viscount or Duchess of Moldy Cheese, you can continue doing whatever you like”.
“To the kids out there, don’t pressure your daddy to visit you during the pandemic, this is an instruction that could apply to anyone and I haven’t just said this to keep my 6 or 7 children off my back”