US MILITARY generals and private contractors were said to be inconsolable at the news that international and as well as home produced oil is now worth as little as minus $36 a barrel, scuppering any motivation for haphazardly pointing at a random Middle Eastern nation on a map and saying ‘invasion time’.
Crude oil, once the most sought after commodity in the world is now, by the barrel load, worth less than non-brand toilet roll, a price drop which has left many war fans devastated.
“Aw man, I hate this pandemic,” remarked a sulking Republican politician who had his heart set on a decades long war in Iran or some such oil plenty country that could create the sort of needless casualty numbers that inspired him to become a war mongering politician in the first place.
With the price collapse rendering oil less than worthless, many are contemplating if Middle Eastern countries and their citizens are even worth destroying.
“I’m just sad for all the locals won’t get jobs rebuilding the schools we arbitrarily drone bombed into oblivion,” confirmed one private contractor, who feared proxy wars would actually have to take place on home soil.
“What do you expect me to do now, go to the Middle East as a civilian tourist and experience the differing cultures, languages and history, and leave with just a fridge magnet having not committed a massacre? Are you fucking nuts?” confirmed one military man with an itchy trigger finger.
“War crimes, torture and mass murder. Whatever horrors we perpetrate there, the public couldn’t care less because they knew we were really there for the precious oil, for the lucrative rebuilding contracts. But now, trying to start a war in this economic climate? Good luck buddy,” sobbed one powerful private military lobbyist, who was this close to tricking President Trump into escalating to a full scale war with Iran before oil prices plummeted.