Forecast Looking Good As Irish Economy Set To Bounce Back By 2089


WEARING a sombre expression, caretaker Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe pointed to a series of charts detailing a projected 10.5% drop in GDP and 22% unemployment before confirming Ireland’s economy ‘has all the bad numbers’.

“Okay, do you want the bad news first? Or the appallingly depressing even worse news first?” Donohoe relayed to reporters, echoing the statements from the vast majority of the world’s finance ministers.

Donohoe’s address was hard to hear at times as the sounds of screaming coming from within the Department of Finance was overwhelming, however, there was some light at the end of the tunnel.

“Don’t worry, judging by how we all bounced back during the last recession, we’ll be on course to get back to our 2019 levels by the time we’re all long dead in 2089,” added Donohoe before going on to make a plea to any and all Nigerian princes to immediately email the cash strapped Department of Finance.

Given the Irish people’s optimistic nature at times, economic experts have felt the need to reiterate that despite feelings to the contrary, saying “ah sure, be grand” is actually no match for a crippling economic depression not seen since the 1930s.

“Look, a few cans round the gaff, be grand. Catch up on Countdown and The Chaser, then we’ll be right back at it,” shared one local man, who was unaware that because he was one of the few remaining people still employed he alone counts for 75% of Ireland’s total income tax intake.

Meanwhile, the Taoiseach was unable to attend Donohoe’s press briefing as he and Micheál Martin were busy smashing the glass panels on all emergency alarms labelled ‘Launch austerity in the case of recession’.