“FUCKERS just dropped dead” shrugged a spokesperson for the Russian government today, at a press conference outlining how 376 anti-Putin journalists, scholars and critics managed to contract Coronavirus and die within the space of 2 hours.
The 376 deaths bring Russia’s total up to 377, with the state having previously recorded just one death out of 658 cases since the virus was first recorded in early March, thanks to the tireless efforts of President Vladimir Putin who always knows how to keep his people safe and his country strong.
With the rest of Russia ‘under control’ according to the Kremlin, a full investigation is now underway to determine just how so many people with no apparent link other than their criticism of Putin succumbed to the virus, and why it killed them so quickly.
“We’re putting our best man on the job to crack this case” said a Moscow detective, introducing Vasily Turgenev, a 17-year-old intern whose previous job was cleaning the office toilets.
“Yes, Vasily will sort all that out, while we can do our part to keep Russia free from Coronavirus with the expert guidelines handed down by our wonderful leader, President Putin. Why, we’re pretty sure we’ll have this Coronavirus thing whipped before any nation in the world, and if anyone still remembers those dead journalists by then, well, Vasily will have an answer”.
UPDATE: Vasily Turgenev has been diagnosed with Covid-19.
UPDATE: Vasily Turgenev has been diagnosed with being dead.