Teresa Mannion Attached To Megaphone With Responsibility For Enforcing Self-Isolation

AS AUTHORITIES note that large swathes of the country seem to be struggling with the idea of social distancing and self-isolation or outright ignoring the concepts, Ireland has released its most potent weapon against unnecessary journeys.

Strapped atop of a vehicle, megaphone glued to hand and charged with roaming the streets to plead for complete and utter idiots to see sense Teresa Mannion is currently entering her 36th consecutive hour of scolding people that experts are calling ‘fucking idiots who are each an individual jigsaw puzzle piece to someone else’s needless death’.

“Don’t make any unnecessary journeys,” a horse sounding Mannion shouted through a megaphone at a number of people on the streets making very un-fucking-necessary journeys.

“What did I just fucking say you little shite hawks, hon t’fuck, back into your house yiz pricks,” added the RTÉ reporter as she saw people gathered closely together in conversation on a street corner.

Unnecessary journeys in this context are classified as anything that isn’t an essential trip to a shop or pharmacy, or to help someone vulnerable in need. However, some people experts refer to as ‘colossal gobshites’ define an unnecessary journey as “fuck you, I don’t care if my actions directly result in the crippling of an overwhelmed health service and the avoidable deaths of people I’ve never met because I’m the most important and selfish person in the world”.

Now armed with a long stick with a cement-filled glove on the end of it, Mannion dispensed with the megaphone warnings and resolved to dish out slaps to everyone doing their idiotic best to spread Covid-19 throughout Ireland.

Authorities have not ruled out drenching these people in buckets of permanent red paint so that everyone else can thank them for all they didn’t do to stop things from getting much, much worse.