Varadkar Performs Ancient Ritual To Make It Lash Rain All Weekend
TAOISEACH LEO Varadkar is now turning to the weather as a deterrent to keep people the hell away from the polls tomorrow, and has researched a dozen mythical rainmaking rituals to ensure it lashes all day tomorrow, helping him stay in power.
Varadkar, who had been working under the belief that his party were bulletproof among voters, called one of the only Saturday elections in the history of the state in a bid to secure votes from students, busy workers and people who live away from home, only to find poll data showed a sharp decline in support across all constituencies ‘for no good reason’.
“What the fuck was I thinking, holding an election on a Saturday, Jesus, we’re fucked” stated an apoplectic Leo Varadkar earlier today, while searching Google for as many ancient rain incantations as he could find in a last-ditch attempt to cling onto power.
“Anyone that was canvassing for us, I want them patrolling neighbourhoods with slingshots looking for any Child Of Prague they see under a hedge” screamed Varadkar at his team.
“Coveney! Here’s a Native American rain dance, get out there and get it done. Where’s that useless fucker Harris? There’s a Taiwanese Cat Parade that I want him to head, he’s done shag all else this whole campaign. I want 50mm of rain on the ground before 6am tomorrow, do you pricks want to be in power or not?”.
Varadkar’s scheme seems to working, with Storm Ciara making a dramatic u-turn towards the country today. However, early data has suggested that the electorate ‘don’t care if it gets to Day After Tomorrow’ levels, many were still intent on heading out to oust Fine Gael.