Criminals To Reduce Carbon Footprint With Burned-Out Carpool System


EAGER to do their part to cut down on their impact on the environment, the Dublin criminal underworld have pledged to implement a car-sharing system to ensure they don’t burn out more vehicles than absolutely necessary.

“Up to now, we had a ‘one murder, one burned-out car’ approach to our assassinations, and we will hold our hands up and admit that this is simply unacceptable,” said infamous gang boss ‘Green’ Jimmy Greenan.

“We have but one earth, and we don’t own it. We have it on loan from our children, and our grandchildren. What kind of people would we be if we were to simply continue destroying it, when we had a chance to slow the effects of climate change?”

Details of the ‘burned-out carpool’ system, expected to be some sort of Uber-style app, are currently being worked out by cartels across the city, and it’s hoped that criminals around the country will soon follow suit.

“We want to be an example to criminals out there; if they see it working for us, it can work for them” said North-West Dublin crime lord ‘Sustainable’ Derek Horlson.

“It’s madness to burn out a whole car after one single crime, when you could let your fellow criminals use it for their murders. We’re hoping to have far fewer burned out cars on our roads by 2021, and we will meet this target by fuckin’ knee-capping anyone we see using single-use getaway cars”.

The Minister For Justice has welcomed the criminals’ decision to switch to a greener solution, and has pledged to match their gesture by implementing cuts that will take dozens of squad cars off the road too.