5 Alternative Uses For Cheese Strings


THAT MIGHTY piece of cheesed snack has more uses than you think. WWN reveals five alternatives uses for the Cheesestring.

Relay baton

Staging a school sports day or competing in an Olympic final? No matter the occasion, no matter the stage, the Cheesestring is a durable multi-purpose item that can slot in effortlessly into your athletics event or any other facet of life.


While we can never to sure of the true origins of this mysterious and robust structure, many people have tested its suitability as a foodstuff and with no known fatality resulting from consuming it, until scientists discover what its true origins and use is, eating a Cheesestring doesn’t seem like a bad thing to do.

A substitute for a baseball bat in a large scale brawl

Find yourself in a mass brawl between rivals gangs, but haven’t got the time to rush home to grab your baseball bat? If you always carry a Cheesestring in your back pocket that’s that problem solved and some heads bashed in.

Prosthetic leg

Hard, sturdy and unbreakable the Cheesestring has been a God send to people in areas where a state of the art prosthesis is hard to come by. Many people are so happy with the strength and integrity a Cheesestring provides that they choose to stick with it for life.

Propping up the shutters of the bank you are in the middle of robbing

Whatever life decisions led you this point are for another day’s discussion, right now you’ve got those shutters open and the vault is in sight, but you need something stronger than steel to keep the shutters propped up as you fill your bad with cash.

Look no further than the indestructibly solid yet humble Cheesestring. If you get out of there without being shot, you owe a cut of the loot for this priceless tip.

UPDATE: Apologies for a major oversight as it has been pointed out by countless readers that the humble Cheesestring is also used to pleasure one’s self as a makeshift sex toy. As a way of acknowledging and thanking those individuals who brought this to our attention, citing their own personal experience, will we list their names and addresses in full on the front page of tomorrow’s print edition.