Man In Relationship Envious Of Single Friend’s Train Wreck Of A Life

A LOCAL man who is growing restless in his long term relationship is currently looking on enviously at the life led by one of his single friends, WWN understands.

Conor Gord recently entered the 4th year of his relationship with his girlfriend Jenny Loughlan but has begun to grow jealous of the wanton carefree ways of his single friend Gavin Hartigan.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong I love Jenny, but fuck it if there isn’t more out there in the world for me to see and do, and maybe other women to see and do too,” confessed Gord, who many people consider to be remarkably lucky to have snagged his current girlfriend.

Gord’s envy can be traced back to a unique level of stupidity which allows him to look at his friend, who lives alone, has no money, drinks too much, is clearly unhappy and unhealthy, and transform such depressing realities into positives that he wishes to emulate.

Expanding on the merits of his argument and the predicament it brings, Gord spoke enthusiastically of his friend Hartigan, who leads a self-confessed train wreck of a life. Something Hartigan was troubled by when WWN broke the news to him.

“Hang on, he’s thinking of leaving Jenny? And all because he wants to have my life? Fuck me, I was eating Coca Pops for dinner, masturbating to a pre-recorded episode of This Morning, Holly Willoughby wasn’t even on that episode so I was stuck with tugging it to Philip Schofield,” explained Hartigan, horrified to learn anyone could be envious of his life.

“The last time I ironed a shirt for myself was 2009 for my Mam’s funeral, I just dose all my clothes in Lynx hoping no one notices I’m too lazy to wash my clothes,” Hartigan added, genuinely concerned for the sanity of his friend.

Gord remains undeterred and regularly day dreams of ‘going out on the pull’ with Hartigan as a single man for a night of debauchery and countless instances of sex with women. However, Hartigan has repeatedly told Gord on the rare occasions they are out for pints together that he is paralysed with fear when within five feet of women.

“Ah, he has this class shirt, it looks like there’s tomato ketchup stains all over it, but Gav says that’s just the style, it gets the women’s attention anyway,” Gord said of his friend, who hasn’t had sex in 3 years.