TV Soap Introduces Controversial Straight Couple

Long-running TV soap Alderwash Way is to make television history in the new year, with the introduction of a new family, which contains no LGBT members, nobody with a serious substance abuse problem, and nobody with a mysterious, shady background.

Alderwash Way, which first hit screens in 1996, has made steps to add diversity to its rotating cast of characters, which up to this point has been nothing but wall-to-wall gay people, ex-criminals, and quiet souls who harbour a tragic, destructive secret.

The Hamilton family, set to move into the house previously occupied by Willie Cocksmasher and his family of heroin-addicted potbellied pigs, are set to cause controversy among soap fans when they hit our screens.

“It’ll take a while for audiences to warm to a family who are perfectly normal on a soap opera,” said Alderwash Way director, Declan Colohan, “but we promise, this new family will be something completely unique. The dad has a job, the mum has a job and no drink problem, the kids aren’t involved in an incestuous relationship with each other… it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen on a soap before.

“After a while, we may even write in a storyline where the son kisses a girl. Unthinkable this time last year, but that’s where the tide is heading in TV today,” he added.

Concerned groups have already begun to protest against the proposed storylines, calling it “an abomination of soaps”.