“I’ll Kick The Face Off Of Any Cunt Who Challenges Our Charitable Status” – Buckfast Monk

CAMPAIGNERS calling for Buckfast tonic wine to lose their charitable status over links to violence have been warned by monks not to even think about it, stating they will “kick the face off any cunt” who challenges it.

Speaking from his quarters in Buckfast Abbey, Devon, brother Decco Ward told WWN that he was sick to death of the stigma attached to the popular alcoholic drink, pointing out that his order is not responsible for people’s behaviour when drunk.

“The fuck are we supposed to do, follow every ned, chav and scumbag around while they skull it back?” he said, while drinking a can of the fortified wine, which is laced with caffeine, “Yeah we made €10.3 million in turnover last year, and yeah we didn’t pay tax on it because we’re a religious order, but you don’t see anyone complaining about the revenue that bottles of water from Lourdes make every year. Those holy Mary loving fuckers are minted in France”.

The National Secular Society, which works to challenge religious privilege, has claimed Buckfast Tonic Wine is a scourge on society and called it an “abuse of the charitable system”.

“Buckfast is a tonic wine and it is not meant to be drunk for the craic,” brother Ward added, now standing up in a stagger and throwing a combination of mock punches through the air, “but if those motherfuckers at the National Secular Society want their go, I’ll fucking give it to them”.

Police in Scotland and the Scottish Labour Party have previously tried to ban the wine, but backed down after 3 million angry protesters took to Glasgow’s streets causing £23 billion in damage.