‘Blessed Are The Church Goers, For They Shall Park Illegally’, Cites Lost Gospel


RESEARCHERS have confirmed that parishioners attending mass should be allowed park wherever they please, according to a startling new interpretation of a 6th-century Syriac manuscript from a monastery in Egypt.

The lost gospel, which was acquired by the Egyptian library 160 years ago, is being currently deciphered by a team of linguistic researchers, who agree the latest translation ‘Blessed are the church goers, for they shall park illegally’ is part of a long list of quotes from Jesus Christ, similar to that found in the book of Matthew.

“It’s clear that Jesus wanted his followers to be exempt from parking fines of any kind while attending church,” said lead researcher Dr. James Comb, “this proverb was previously speculated and rubbished by many unbelievers.

“Now church goers around the world can continue to park illegally, without reprise”.

The news of the recently discovered gospel has been welcomed in almost every town and village in Ireland, where parking illegally while attending mass has long been a standing tradition going back to the late 50s.

“I’ve never got a ticket for parking on the double yellow lines,” said 76-year-old Tramore parishioner, Jim Foley, “the guards know better than to mess with God, sure, it causes a certain amount of headache for other motorists trying to pass the church, but its what God would have wanted, congestion”.

The gospel also insisted that parishioners must ignore all white parking space lines, not just the double yellows, and to cause as much disruption as humanly possible to those who should be in mass.