Government’s Brexit Plan Consists Of Lighting A Candle In Nearest Church


ALLAYING any fears the Irish public may have had about the country’s preparedness for the various potential pitfalls relating to Britain’s exit from the EU, the government has committed to finding the nearest church to light a candle in.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself and the possibility that the country will be economically obliterated by the Brits pressing self-destruct,” Taoiseach Enda Kenny told the Dáil yesterday, while appearing to soil himself.

“Anyone worried about Ireland, may I just say, we’ll be grand,” the Taoiseach said as he proudly showed the chamber the match he would use to light the candle in church, yet to be picked out, “we haven’t ruled out lighting two candles”.

To ensure the government’s plan could be enacted in a fort right, frugal and time saving manner a 10-TD committee will be set up in the coming weeks to decide on the church to light a candle in. Once this has been resolved, opposition parties will demand an inquiry into what took the committee so long, further delaying the lighting of the candle. The process it expected to cost the taxpayer €40 million.

“I don’t know if anyone has thrown their hat in the ring, but I’d love to be the one to light the candle,” Leo Varadkar revealed to reporters outside Leinster House who were seen running away from the Fine Gael TD.

News that the government has decided on decisive action on the issue of Brexit has been welcomed by members of the public.

“It’s reassuring that in response to Theresa May’s vague shite talk, we Irish have been able to match Britain on that front, maybe even eclipse them in the whole ‘we’ve no fucking clue what we’re doing’ department,” shared relieved Waterford man Colm Ganney.