Old Men Ask Young People ‘To Stay The Fuck Out Of Old Man Pubs’


A SPOKESPERSON for the Irish League of Old Men has made an impassioned plea for drinkers under the age of 60 to ‘stay the fuck out of old man pubs’.

The statement comes following an alarming trend of young, hip people seeking out ‘old man pubs’ to drink in, eschewing the thousands of bars which cater directly to people of their own age group.

“Yah, I like to head for quiet pints in O’Laraghans up the road from me, it’s a real old man pub, it’s great,” said Miles Cahon-Reilly, a 26-year-old arts graduate currently living in Portabello.

“A lot of bars are too loud and too packed, so I like to go and drink cocktails in O’Laraghans, it’s just got this great atmosphere, me and my mates just love it”.

With testimonials like this on the rise, old men have struck back at youngsters like Cahon-Reilly, making the assertion that the only reason an ‘old man pub’ has such a great atmosphere is because there are no hipsters sipping whiskey sours out of jampots, complaining about the lack of wi-fi and taking selfies every thirty seconds with their mob of braying, joyless hipster pals.

“We don’t drink here ‘ironically’, we drink here because there’s no fucking hipsters in it,” said James Kennedy, the 67-year-old spokesperson for the Irish League of Old Men.

“There’s scores of pubs where the youngsters can go and drink, and I can promise you that we’re not going to be going to those pubs, so we kindly ask for them to stay the fuck out of our pubs and let us drink our pints in peace without constant shrieks as they discuss whatever manufactured drama they’re using to add some sort of purpose to their lives”.

Thousands of young people were said to be ‘extremely offended’ by the statements, and took to social media to sulk about it.