“I Get Rock Hard Everytime I Enter Her”

BUSINESSMAN Denis O’Brien’s legal action against a Dáil committee over statements made by TDs about his banking affairs in the Dáil last year is due to begin in the High Court this morning, with the Cork man admitting to being “as hard as ever” before entering her chambers.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” the 58-year-old pointed out to reporters outside, hushing them as he caressed one of the high courts erect pillars, before putting his ear to it, “Whisht up! You can almost hear the victims sobbing, the defendants pleading, the defamers defaming. God, I fucking miss this place. I get rock hard every time I enter her,” adding, “I’m going to build one just like it in Malta”.

Mr O’Brien claims statements in the Dáil by Social Democrats TD Catherine Murphy and Sinn Féin TD Pearse Doherty affected his High Court action against RTÉ and breached his rights, despite a law that any TD or senator cannot be sued for anything they say in the Oireachtas, as outlined in Article 15 of the Constitution.

“Repeal the 15th!” Mr. O’Brien barked, now punching the air in front of him, as if preparing for a fight, “Watch and learn how quickly I’ll change this constitution shite. You same-sexers and pro-choicers will see how the big boys do things around here.

“I’ll have this baby wrapped up and delivered in time for Christmas,” before thumping his chest and shouting “Hoorah” at recoiling reporters.

The David Icke haired businessman is also expected to give evidence during the trial on how unfairly he’s been treated by the government and the people of Ireland, previously defending a litany of allegations against him with the statement: “don’t hate the playa, hate the game, motherfuckers”.