Definitive Guide To Making Sure You Wear Your Lanyard At All Fucking Times

DO you work in a job that requires you to wear a lanyard around your neck? Better make sure that you wear that at all times pal, you wouldn’t want anyone on the bus or in the queue for a sandwich to not know you’re a junior manager somewhere. Here’s a few helpful tips to make sure that no matter where you go, your swipe card and photo ID are always on display for all to see.

Get a rear-neck piercing

A heavy bar piercing on the back of your neck will provide a decent anchor point for your work lanyard. Simply loop the band through the piercing, and taking it off ceases to be an option! Now you can have a sense of superiority over the non-lanyard people on the train. The lowly fools!

Melt it onto your skin

You only ever take your lanyard off for a few minutes during the day, so why not fuse it to your skin and have done with? Get a friend to melt the polyester neckband with a cigarette lighter and then push it onto your neck-flesh. It might smart a bit, but at least you and your beloved lanyard are now one.

Nail it to your fucking forehead

Nail meet lanyard meet skull. Bang. Now everyone can see that you’ve got a job. A good job; a lanyard level job. Or a job in a callcenter or whatever. Not all lanyards are the same. But at least you’re not a heroin addict, right? Those useless pricks don’t have lanyards. Ha ha ha!