LEAKED: Fianna Fáil’s Demands For Going Into Coalition With Fine Gael

WITH leaks emanating from Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil’s coalition talks at a rate of knots, WWN has gained access to secret communications from Fianna Fáil to Fine Gael, which details all demands Micheál Martin’s party have made in exchange for entering government with their Irish Civil War rivals.

The list, which was sent to Fine Gael headquarters via a Whatsapp chat group entitled ‘Gov Forming Shitetalk PRIVATE’, and illustrates that the two parties might not be far away from forming a government together, despite the initial rejection by Fianna Fáil or Fine Gael’s proposals:

1) Government jet, available for all Dominos collections. Can we get Sky Sports in the Dáil bar too?

2) We want free PS4s and Xboxes for all FF TDs, with new UFC game and God of War 4 whenever it comes out. Non-negotiable.

3) We have a few property developers we want to give €10 billion in cash to, no questions asked.

4) If these LUAS strikes keep dragging on, we want full use of the trams when the drivers are on strike. And we’re not doing a training day on them or anything, they’re dead easy to drive from the looks of them.

5) These Panama offshore account things sound class, can you ask your mate Frank about setting up a few for us. All hush hush obviously.

6) This is a big one. We want Enda to stand up in the Dáil and say, word for word: “Oh my God, the HSE is class, whoever came up with the idea of setting it up, is a total legend. And the smoking ban is fucking class too, whoever came up with that one is a Stephen Hawking level of genius”.

7) We’ll pretend we want to dismantle Irish Water, and then we’ll back down after a bit, but you have to be the bad guys on this one. We don’t want to lose any street cred, ya hear?

8) If possible, we never want to be in the same room as Leo Varadkar again. You get it Enda, it’s not like we have to explain that one, he’s a smug bollocks.

9) You have to cut out this ‘it’s all Fianna Fáil’s fault’ shit. If we’re a team, then we should be deflecting the blame to Sinn Féin or Labour or whoever else is in our eyeline from across the Dáil chamber.

10) Homeless lads. I dunno let’s sort it out or something. We’ve no ideas ourselves, but maybe we can do something.

11) A bunch of us FF TDs own several properties, we’ll be seriously looking at how to drive house prices up, presume you’re with us on this one.

12) We want to reinstall pumps in every parish in the country. This is a big one for us.

13) Can you get someone to punch Alan Kelly in the face, we’ll pay for it like, but we don’t want our names anywhere in connection with it, cheers.