Labour Stock Up On Arse Pads To Avoid Damage From Door On Way Out


THE 37 members of the Labour party who currently hold seats in the Dáil have begun raising funds for high-strength buttock pads, to lessen the damage to their gluteal area when the heavy doors of Leinster house hit them on their way out.

Opinion polls carried out during the current election campaign have shown that support for the party has plummeted, with many believing that Joan Burton and company face a near total-wipeout when the country goes to the polls this Friday.

Under the advice of the Green Party, who experienced a similar annihilation and severe door-related arse injuries following the 2011 general election, Labour TDs are hoping to minimise the damage to their derrieres by wearing specially designed pads.

Worn underneath their clothes, the pads will act as a cushion for the outgoing TDs and take the brunt of the impact as the doors hit them on their way to the dole queue.

“If only I’d worn them when I was leaving, I would still be able to walk,” said Derek Manning, a former Green Party TD who was paralysed from the waist down when the doors of Leinster house smacked him on the arse in 2011.

“So my advice to Joan and the rest of them is to take all necessary precaution to ensure they don’t suffer like I did. If they can’t find suitable butt guards, then improvise; stuff a load of newspapers or kitchen roll down there, anything at all, just don’t go unprotected”.

Meanwhile, at Leinster House, staff have begun oiling the hinges of the front door to make sure it gives each and every outgoing TD the whack they deserve.