5 Incredible Fragrances Available From The Nigerian Lad In The Nightclub Toilet


COLOGNES and fragrances for men are expensive, but can make all the difference to the man who is out looking for a woman to share the night with. Dress yourself in an intense designer scent, and you’re ready to chat up even the most out-of-your-league lady no matter how many pints you’ve had.

But, as cans in the house become pints in the pub and pints in the pub become shots in the nightclub, you may find that the quick spray of Brut you gave yourself back in the house has long worn off. Luckily, there’s an African or Chinese man waiting for you in the gents toilets with a bigger range of aftershaves than Boots. Here’s our top 5 choices of fragrance for the discerning man out on the rip…

1) CK One

Classic. Timeless. One of the first unisex scents to hit the market, CK One is still as popular as it ever was with people who think all these things smell the same anyway. Be sure you give yourself a liberal spraying with one hand while you take a slash into the urinal with the other, while telling the toilet attendant that you think Barack Obama is doing a great job.

2) Paco Rabanne 1 Million

One of the pricier scents available on the market, 1,000,000 (to give it its full title) is available for FREE from toilet attendants across the country. Simply bath yourself in half the bottle, pat your pockets and tell the toilet assistant that you’ve “no change”. Assure the man that you’ll “get him again”. It even comes with as many free chewing gums as you can stuff in your pockets!

3) Boss by Hugo Boss

The toilet attendant assures you that “the ladies love this one”, so take his advice! He’s a trained doctor or a civil engineer back in his home country, so he’s bound to have at least a fair to middling opinion as to what over-priced mixture of chemicals is best for attracting the hottest ladies Roscommon has to offer.

4) Armani Aqcua di Gio

It’s getting late in the night, and since you broke the seal earlier you’ve been going for a piss every ten minutes. So this is the ninth or tenth aftershave you’ve sprayed all over yourself in that time; the others didn’t work for you, so make this one count! If nothing else, they’ll all blend nicely together, probably.

Maintain eye contact with the toilet attendant as you spray it on yourself, perhaps asking him “what the fuck he’s looking at”. Add in some questions or statements that cross the line of racial sensitivity, then assure him that you’re “only messing”. Tell him he’d better get with the Irish sense of humour if he wants to stay here. Tell him not to forget he’s only a fucking guest.

5) Lynx Africa

Like a solemn novena, like a Child of Prague under a bush; Lynx Africa is never known to fail. The only Lynx body-spray that has stood the test of time (get fucked, Java), Africa will see you right, even if you’re fucking sick of this toilet attendant guy at this stage. You didn’t get any women tonight at all, and it has to be this lad’s fault. There’s going to be a row… your friends assure you that you’ve had too much to drink, and to leave him alone; he’s hasn’t opened his mouth to you all night, and he’s only trying to earn a few quid! But no, this toilet attendant cunt needs a fucking kicking, prick has been giving you shit since you got here. Tell him he better not be here next week as your mates drag you out of the toilets, smelling delightful.