Realisation Junior Cert Is Worthless Finally Setting In On Student

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COUNTY Tipperary student Martin Lyons is said to be coming to terms with his ‘worthless’ Junior Cert exam results today following months of pressure fueled by parents and teachers alike.

The 16-year-old found himself in a tornado of emotions upon receiving his results from school principle Dermot Hynes this morning

“I was delighted to get 6 honours and 3 passes,” he recalled. “Mr. Hynes said I did really well, but then explained that the exam didn’t really matter in the long run and that I should now focus my efforts on the ‘important’ leaving certificate”.

Lyons, who admitted to losing countless nights sleep due to exam worry, began questioning the school’s entire curriculum after the principal’s comments, asking: “So what the fuck was all this about then?”

“No, seriously, what the hell did I just waste my years on? I could have been studying for the leaving if it’s so fucking important”.

Realising the blatant waste of time and resources, and the fact the exam is about as useful as a waterproof teabag, the grandson of four stormed home to his parents in a bid to find some answers.

“Mam said the exam was like a warm up for the leaving cert and that she was very proud of me,” he said. “A warm up! It’s a lie is what it is, just like Santa, the tooth fairy and the fucking Easter bunny is –  just like paying all that money for school books is a lie. Bunch of gobshites!”

It is estimated that the average cost per student sitting the Junior Certificate can reach €500 per household, the majority of which goes to book publisher and Irish monopoly, Folens, a company founded by a man who aided the Gestapo in his native Belgium during WWII.

“Why can’t we just use a Kindle, and download the information we need?” added Lyons, who was now contemplating the habit of smoking. “I could have started college already. Now I have to sit through another three years of hell”.

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