‘Humble’ Pope Francis Still Insists On Wiping Own Arse, Reveals Vatican Arse Wiper


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THE VATICAN’S chief toilet attendant revealed today that newly appointed Pope Francis the first still insists on wiping his own arse after using the lavatory.

Cardinal Rodrigo Gonzalez believes the papal refusal for assisted anus cleansing is an early sign that times at the Roman Catholic Church may be changing.

“The Holy Father stopped me midway insisting I leave the bathroom immediately and find someone else who needs their holes wiped.” the cardinal told WWN earlier.

Pope Francis followed the humble gesture with a lengthy sermon, imploring the church to wipe its own ass and urged clerics to attend to the the asses of the poor instead.

“A child of God can only know its own crevice,” he told the assembled cardinals at a mass in the Sistine Chapel. “However, there is always those  less fortunate than us who are unable to do it for themselves.

“We need to help them.” he insisted.

Critics of the Catholic church accused the pope of promoting arse fondling within the church and questioned the intentions of the move.

“He’d want to be careful with what he says to those guys’.” said one man. “That kind of thing could be taken out of context.

“Wasn’t that the problem in the first place?”

This is not the first time since his inauguration that Pope Francis has refused special treatment from the Vatican.

Last week, the humble servant of the Lord made his own communion wafers for mass, insisting the low-salt recipe would not only reduce cholesterol, but raise polyunsaturates in the bloodstream, promoting a healthier heart and an all round tastier body of Christ.