“CAN WE BE honest with you? We made the paper straws thing up in a panic. We had no clue it would actually work,” explained the world’s political leaders, relieved they don’t have to try and implement regulations against the 100 or so intimidating corporations that have caused 71% of all global emissions since 1988.
In their address which ignored the fact a staggering 40 billion tonnes of ice is set to melt in Greenland this week, world leaders thanked paper straw users for their noble efforts to completely reverse climate change, in spite of how frustratingly soggy and limp paper straws can be.
“And we know paper straws don’t actually fucking work but we must pretend…for Mother Earth’s sake”.
“Taking on huge multinational corporations responsible for the majority of climate change damage was considered but fuck it, turns out you guys using paper straws with the odd tweet about ‘save the bees’ was all that was needed,” confirmed governments ignoring news of wildfires in Siberia.
One reporter in attendance at the address questioned how the leaders determined climate change had been reversed, however their mind was put at ease.
“Sorry, didn’t quite hear that?” confirmed world leaders as they made for the exit while sipping oil cocktails, relieved that a courageous, once-in-a-generation political and regulatory consensus wasn’t needed after all.
“Let’s hear it for paper straws guys,” the leaders added to a barely audible smattering of applause.