US PRESIDENT Donald Trump is expected to touch down on Irish soil tomorrow in a much anticipated and disputed visit.
Protests are expected and a huge security operation is already underway, but just what will President Trump get up to during his two days in Ireland. WWN has obtained full unrestricted access to his full itinerary and we have reproduced the highlights below:
Expected time of arrival 12pm: Trump will disembark Air Force One shortly after arriving but not before tweeting about how lovely Ireland is which will be enough proof for your dad that’s he’s not a bad egg after all.
In a huge boost for RTÉ, Trump has agreed to film extensive chunks of a future episode of ‘Reeling In The Years’ which the next generation will watch back with a look of horror, pondering why the red carpet was rolled out for such a reprehensible figure who went on to do so much damage. Scenes will include him stepping off Air Force One in Shannon Airport in the lashings of rain to the sound of a politically charged song from 2019 such as ‘I Don’t Care’ by Ed Sheeran and Justin Beiber.
12.15pm: Trump will briefly hold a meeting with Taoiseach Varadkar at Shannon Airport during which ‘yes master’ will be the only words uttered by the tough talking and frank Taoiseach.
12.17pm: Trump will spend two hours in Carroll’s Giftshop before buying a Trinity College Dublin hoodie and a Guinness fridge magnet.
2.33pm: Once in the helicopter which is set to take him to Doonbeg he will take a quick detour to a local Supermacs to ‘see what all the fuss is about’.
2.57pm: While in transit from Shannon Airport to Clare he is expected to overhear a special episode of Joe Duffy’s Liveline covering his visit blaring from the helicopter radio, prompting him to ring into the show and get into a ‘he said, she said’ shouting match exchange with 83-year-old Fidelma from Cabra who says “he’s only a bollix”.
3.05pm: Your uncle from Doonbeg will make a holy fucking show of himself and your family after being interviewed on the BBC wearing a Make America Great Again hat.
3.11pm: Trump will visit one of Clare’s top tourist attractions and lay a wreath at the historic site where Kim Kardashian became wedged in the Ailwee Caves.
3:45pm: Trump will dine at his exclusive Doonbeg golf resort and eat a meal which will most definitely be spat in by staff working there.
4.01pm: Security around Doonbeg is said to be tight which means Trump is unlikely to be able to add to the long list of sexual assault accusations against him.
4.59pm: Several TDs, who despite having gone on record lambasting the racist and misogynistic Trump, will be caught by security at Doonbeg scaling a wall trying to get in and secure a selfie with the president.
5.50pm: There is an item in the itinerary marked ‘culturally insensitive insult to people of Ireland’. It is unclear what form Trump’s egregious insult will take but many predict it could entail him remarking “can I keep him?” after mistaking President Higgins for a leprechaun.
6.01pm: Trump is scheduled to fly into a fit of rage after discovering he can’t get Fox News on the Saorview box in his hotel room. Calms down after catching sight of Catriona Perry on RTÉ 1.
6.30pm: Decides to get an early night after Melania says she has one of those headaches she only gets when Trump tries to show her affection.
2.30am: Wakes and takes to Twitter to heap praise on how inhumane Ireland’s Direct Provision Centres are.