WWN Guide On How To Avoid The New Cycling Fines

The Government has today introduced seven new €40 penalties for cyclists who commit certain road traffic offences, so our cyclists here at WWN have come up with a rather simple way of avoiding these fixed fines.

1. Cyclist driving a pedal cycle without reasonable consideration.

Reasonable consideration? Ha! Yeah, right, have you ever even cycled a bike in Dublin city centre, Minister for Transport Paschal Donohoe? Huh? I doubt it, because if you did, you would know the only people without reasonable consideration on the roads are motorists. Not once have any of us here in the office witnessed a reckless cyclist. This is a stupid rule that cannot be proven, so we’re not even gonna try to advise you on how to avoid this joke of a law, it as it never happens. Cyclists are always alert: all of the time. Fact!

2. No front lamp or rear lamp lit during lighting-up hours on a pedal cycle.

Another stupid rule. Why should we have lights on the bike, huh? The whole reason any of us cycle is to conserve energy and to save the world. What, now you want us to go against everything we stand for and raise our carbon footprint number? This is obviously just another money racket to sell bicycle lights: ones probably manufactured by Denis O’Brien. We’re just not going to cycle in the dark anymore, so get fucked government!

3. Cyclist proceeding into a pedestrianised street or area.

Ridiculous. Cyclists ARE pedestrians: pedestrians on bikes. Why would we bother hopping off? Why are lads in wheelchairs allowed on the footpath then? It’s one law for them and another for us? Absolute disgrace if you ask us.

However, if any of our fellow cyclists out there want to avoid being fined under this draconian law, then just hop off your saddle and walk your bike along between your legs. They can’t fine you then as you’re actually walking, but yet still on the bike. Clever.

4 . Cyclist proceeding past traffic lights when the red lamp is illuminated.

Load of bullshit. Everyone knows that if you edge slowly enough across the junction, it’s fine. Next they’ll be asking us to wear indicators, or even brake lights ha ha ha ha. Can you imagine the silliness of it? Tic-toc-tic-toc, I’m going left. Morto.

To avoid this stupidity, just get off your bike and walk it across the road via the footpath or pedestrian crossing. There is no law against pedestrians crossing streets like that. Carry your bike if unsure.

You’re welcome.

5. Cyclist proceeding past cycle traffic lights when red lamp is lit.

Cycle traffic lights – ha! Where do they think we are, Dubai? There is no such thing in Ireland so we’re not even going to bother with this one.

6. Cyclist failing to stop for a School Warden sign.

School Wardens are basically unemployed people holding stop signs. No better than a student with a traffic cone on his head. No one listens to or cares about these people so let’s not worry too much about their little power trip. Just cycle past those fools regardless. What’s he gonna do, write down your reg plate? If you do bump into a stickler, just get off your bike and walk it through, just like the red light in number four.

7. Cyclist proceeding beyond a stop line, barrier or half barrier at a railway level crossing, swing bridge or lifting bridge, when the red lamps are flashing.

Oh please, most of the time there is nothing coming anyway. Level crossings are the worst for this nonsense. Why wait twenty minutes when you can just hop the railing with your bike on your shoulder. Sure, don’t we have eyes and ears to see if a train is coming. We’re all adults here. As for lifting bridges, well, you can always swim across. Helmets are very buoyant so it’s a no brainer. Tyres too, so don’t worry about your bike sinking. Let’s see them slap a fine on you halfway across a river. Fools.