Sticks & Stones To Face Ban Under New Internet Safety Bill


A NEW cyberbullying bill put before the Seanad by Senator Lorraine Higgins will attempt to ban forms of name calling as well as the historically harmful sticks and stones.

Despite generations old protestations from the public that names will never hurt them, Higgins has been at the forefront of criminalising such barbed communications following her own experience with truly malicious online threats.

“It was imperative that a banning of sticks and stones was put in place as well, have you ever got a whack of them? Christ, it’s bloody sore,” social media expert George Boyle told WWN.

Under the proposed Bill, simply sharing or republishing ‘malicious electronic content’, a phrase open to interpretation, could land you with a prison sentence.

The implementation of the Bill could hypothetically create a scenario whereby someone could be imprisoned or fined for saying something like ‘God, that Bertie Ahern is an awful bollocks isn’t he? And I bet he doesn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet, the prick’ if the target of the abuse is suitably hurt.

Rumours that the public will be able to purchase ‘free speech’ tokens which will permit them to share their opinion online for one single day of their choosing per year are as of yet, unconfirmed.

Objectors to the Bill have stated that it could be used as a way of curtailing freedom of speech and simply act as a tool for those with the financial means to suppress genuine discourse online. However, Higgins has insisted the potential laws governing the area will be used to help children who are the target of bullying online.

“Ah, typical fucking children, can’t take a good slagging, or beating, or years of sustained bullying, ruining it for the rest of us,” said unreformed bully 39-year-old father-of-two, Dermot Gill.

“If a well thought out argument or comment written online were to over do it on the ‘cunt’ count or simply annoy someone of influence, you could find yourself fined €5,000. So my advice to anyone out there who wants to abuse someone online or even make a joke, get it done before the legislation comes into effect,” social media expert Boyle added.

Woodies DIY has sold out of both sticks and stones as bullies up and down the country panic buy supplies, hoping to make use of the weapons before the Bill makes it way further along the legislative road.