Retail Security Firms In Very low Bidding War For Garda Commissioner’s Services

A number of well known security firms are said to be actively pursuing ex-Garda Commissioner Martin Callinan just hours after he sensationally resigned from his post.

Callinan made the decision to retire as Garda Commissioner in light of recent pressure arising from comments he made about Garda whistleblowers.

Despite these remarks ultimately leading to his decision to retire with immediate effect Callinan is the subject of a very low bidding war among several retail security king pins.

“A man of that vast experience will no doubt come in use,” said head of retail security at G4S Gavin Delaney, “ideally we would be talking €9 an hour. But you have to have your wits about you with these teenagers he do be stealing anything that isn’t nailed down.”

Competition is stiff, however as WWN can exclusively reveal that a late entrant in the bidding war has appeared in the shape of Manguard Plus.

“This is a once in a Guard opportunity. He has unparalleled experience and he seems to have mastered the rhetoric for talking to petty criminals. Sure, we’re called Man-Guard Plus, it’s meant to be,” shared ownership of the firm Joseph Thornley.

Tasks carried out by Callinan if he is hired could include: chasing little shits, giving little shits a slap when no one is looking and having a chat with attractive female retail staff.

The low bidding war has escalated to the point whereby Callinan can be expected to earn upwards of €9.35 an hour, shattering previous estimates. This news has not gone down well with members of the public who feel Callinan has received no real punishment for his recent conduct.

“He’s a right tulip if you ask me,” said Roger Finlay, “€9.35? That’s outrageous stuff for a man who told those whistleblowers to strap a bomb to their bollocks. This place has gone to hell.”

While Maureen Flannery, a pensioner, had sterner words for the departing Commissioner. “Oh God help us, he’s a rotten sort. Typical really, nothing but a shower of bastards. What did he do again?” she concluded.

Alan Shatter meanwhile, has been carefully avoiding any human contact today as he is reportedly well aware of the decision he too should make.

More to follow as we get it…