THE Western world’s over reliance on fossil fuels from Russia, which indirectly funds Putin’s war in Ukraine, has been instantly solved following the quick thinking of engineering students from UCC. “We just got a volunteer subject and attached him to the national grid, and when we showed him a picture of Eamon Ryan, he generated… Read more »
REASSURING her new neighbours arriving for the first time at a Dublin city hotel, mother-of-three Dierdre Ryan revealed that they’ll get used to the place eventually, even the bit where you’re not allowed mix with hotel guests or use the facilities during the day. “You’ll all get used to it after nine months,” Ms. Ryan… Read more »
BAD LUCK has seen Covid-19 greatly curb Taoiseach Micheál Martin’s American visit, with the Fianna Fáil man holed up in Blair House opposite The White House until his Covid-1 symptoms clear up prompting an outpouring of sympathy. However, questions are already being asked about the mammoth bill being racked up by Martin, who has taken… Read more »
OPERATION RECOVERY will see the army commandeer all the nation’s takeaways in what is believed to be the most ambitious hangover alleviation effort ever undertaken by a nation. Thousands of people diagnosed with a severe case of absolutely dying are trapped on their couches or bed bound with an inability to properly dial a takeaway… Read more »
A RECORD low number of unclaimed teenagers remain on the nation’s streets after this year’s St Patrick’s Day festivities, sparking fears that the current crop of young people have completely abandoned Irish traditions and care little for our treasured cultural practices. “I was shocked to be honest,” confirmed one garda who was working the ‘is… Read more »
WATERFORD man Marcus O’Weir had expressed doubt about the validity of the government’s ‘bonus bank holiday’ the day after St. Patrick’s Day, but now that it’s here along with possibly one of the worst hangovers he’s ever experienced in his adult life, he’s a changed man. “Consider me a Fianna Fáil/ Fine Gael man for… Read more »
FRIENDS of Donnacha Caoimlinn have advised him to perhaps pump the brakes on his St. Patrick’s Day festivities, as he’s currently on track to drink 57 pints today if he keeps his current pace up. “Five pints in an hour is fairly unsustainable Donny, maybe just go a bit handy,” said one of Caoimlinn’s mates,… Read more »
A NAIVE local father of a 16-year-old daughter is being lampooned by friends and acquaintances after he took his child’s claims of going to a friends house to watch a movie on St Patrick’s Day at face value. “But she wasn’t wearing going ‘out out’ clothes, and she said she was bringing her school bag… Read more »
ONE LOCAL Waterford man can’t quite find the words to describe his level of excitement as he faces a sleepless night ahead of the first proper Paddy’s Day in three years. “I can’t promise I won’t break down in tears the second I see a shitty tractor pull a shitty float through my shitty town,”… Read more »
